Teenage Milestones

Yesterday, my precious teenage daughter, went to the DMV, waited along with the rest of the masses, had her number called, her picture taken, written test handed to her, and proceeded to take her test. I sat on the side lines being appropriately anxious, even though I pulled off the cool and confident mom bit. I had to for Chelsea. I didn't want my nerves rubbing off on her nerves, making her so anxious that she couldn't properly read and answer the questions. When she was done she mouthed to me "what do I do now?" I responded by pointing her to the appropriate counter where she nervously handed her completed test to the awaiting DMV grader. I joined her at the counter; Chelsea couldn't look, I couldn't stop looking at he made hash marks across some of her answers. My mind started rushing, "how many can you miss before you fail? She'll be crushed if she fails. Will I be crushed if she fails? I've got to hold it together for her in case she fails. Don't be silly, there is no way she is going to fail." I think you get the picture. The DMV dude looks up and says, "Congratulations, you passed!" The relief that rushed through me was palpable and need I tell you Chelsea's reaction? I took her picture but she forbade me to post it. She was smiling very big in the picture as she held up her driver's permit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan and I leave with Greg and Mona tomorrow for Mendocino where we plan to ring in the new year. The kids declined to come, so we're leaving them home alone for the first time. I'm so nervous. I don't know what about. I was practically living on my own when I was Chelsea's age, but whenever I give my kids a little more freedom it is always accompanied with a bit of nervousness. I think I've asked the entire population of Chico to check in on them, so there are plenty of eyes on them. We'll be staying for two days and two nights. We love going to the coast because we truly are cut off from most technology. Cell phones don't work, no television reception, and no computers. It's a chance to hunker down with a good book in front of the fire with one's favorite beverage close by. I so need to be cut off from the world for a while with my husband and best friends. I'll take lots of pictures. Happy New Year everyone!

Abundance comes when there are no expectations

Yesterday was my birthday and what a day I had. I've come to the conclusion that when you have absolutely no expectations, that's when everything comes your way. The day began with taking Mom to our local nail salon. She got a manicure and I got a pedicure. It was so freezing out that when I placed my chilly feet into the warm bubbling water, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Upon arrival home from getting our nails done we were greeted by my Aunt Ann and Uncle Al who had driven up for the day from Manteca. We had an hour or so to get caught up before going out to a wonderful lunch at Tres Hombres, one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. They make the best marguaritas and I ordered a grande. When lunch was done we said our good-byes to my aunt and uncle as well as my Mom. They drove her down to the Sacramento airport so that I wouldn't have to. I figured my birthday celebrating was over. It was more than I ever had hoped for, so I was good. But my darling husband had other plans. At 5 pm he arrived home with Greg and Mona in tow. I was informed that I was going to be taken out for the evening. Birthday presents came first. Dan gave me a beautiful new purse with a very nice "something" (cash) inside. He was quite generous (thanks Honey!) and Greg and Mona gave me two of the most beautiful sets of crystal earrings and a wonderful leather wallet (which I needed very much!). We had a little wine, toasted our great friendship, and then it was off to my favorite restaurant, Fifth Street Steakhouse. Once the meal of finished, they surprised me with a cake and very quiet version of Happy Birthday. We then went to Greg and Mona's house to see their beautiful newly remodeled guest bathroom and finished off the night with a little more conversation. I sure am a lucky (and slightly aging) woman. My cup runneth over.

P.S. I also have two wonderfully supportive sisters. I couldn't ask for better sisters. They know what they did for me over this Christmas holiday. I will be eternally grateful. Together we can do anything, face anything, conquer anything. Again, my cup runneth over.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. We had our traditional family Christmas last night. It was my turn to host. Let's just say that it involves a lot of work and leave it at that. I had lots of help, but by the end of the day I'm ready for bed! We, or I should say I, had far too much to eat, but what are you going to do? Christmas time provides the perfect rationalization to let down any and all resistance to eating forbidden foods. I think a good time was had by all.

Another year older

Tomorrow is Dan's birthday. We, meaning myself and the kids, plan on taking him out to dinner and then to Glenn Beck's stage show of the Christmas Sweater, which is being beamed via satellite to our local theater. I read the book and it is a very sweet and heart wrenching story that teaches the importance of facing our personal storms and the value of family and friends. Last year I took Chelsea to San Francisco to see Glenn Beck's live Christmas show and in that show he related about a 10 minute story about the Christmas Sweater. That 10 minute story made quite an impact, with Chelsea and I crying for far longer than we probably should. So the two of us are really looking forward to the full telling of this story. I hope Dan and Cody enjoy it just as much.

Blessings flow

I'm done and it seems like I just started. That's the way every semester is. When I say I'm done, I mean I'm done with class meetings. Now it's the mad dash to the end with loads of grading, but my time is my own and that's the part I like. I can sit in the comfort of my recliner to grade, or I can go into the office to grade. I can stop grading to go shopping or pick up the kids. Did I mention that this is the part that I like? Well I do.

When I arrived home I had the most lovely and beautifully wrapped present waiting for me. My first thought was "Wow, Dan must have paid someone to wrap my present like that!" But upon closer inspection the gift was not from Dan, but from my bestfriend Mona. The gift label said, "Open before Christmas. Open today." How could I open such a beautifully wrapped gift. I should have taken a picture, but in my addled state it didn't occur to me. When I did open the gift I immediately recognized it. I've often admired these angel figurines that Mona has in her bedroom. I have often commented on them. She found me the exact same angels and gave them to me so that I could decorate with them this Christmas. Do I have a great girlfriend or what? While I treasure my new Christmas Angels, I treasure my friendship with Mona far more. I sure am blessed.

A man and his car

NEWS FLASH: During our two day drive home from Albuquerque, I finally finished the sixth and final book in the Diana Gabaldon series. I realize that this news flash only has meaning to those select few who have been ensnared by Gabaldon's tales, but those who have I know are giving me a silent, "you go girl!" Now I am free to begin reading the growing pile of books that were in the "books to read after Gabaldon." Thanks Gail for getting me started down this road. I also curse you Gail for getting me started down this road. I apologize to Lynnie for having gotten you started down this road.

Back to our regularly scheduled post.

It is Sunday afternoon and a few hours ago Dan and I arrived home after a 12oo+ mile drive from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Chico, California. It was a LONG drive through the most ugly terrain. I'm sorry folks, but I am not a desert person at all! As I stated before we went there to see a man about a car. A car that Dan has been playing mental footsy with for a couple of years now. He finally decided to take the plunge and buy the car. So he booked the tickets, arranged for the hotel, and we were off. Upon boarding our flight, we quickly found our seats, 18E and 18F, as as we were settling in we looked up and saw a very familiar face, Lana Kramer, the mother of Cody's best friend. What was all the more amazing was that she was assigned seat 18D. What are the chances??!! I say none. We had such an enjoyable flight, getting to know each other even better and what better way to keep our minds off of any potential flight anxiety. Before we knew it we arrived at our destination. There was not much sleep to be had that night, in spite of the nice accommodations because Dan was too excited. We arose at 5:45 am and went downstairs for our free breakfast. After finishing breakfast we returned to our room and Dan placed a call to the seller of the car to confirm our 7 am meeting time. All systems were go.
Dan used this time to complete the New Mexico Bill of Sale so that upon the seller's arrival we could finish the paper work quickly and be on the road.

This is Dan's first look at his new car. I had a hard time getting a decent picture as a strange thing kept happening with the morning light causing my pictures to come out dark. There must be something about the "land of enchantment's" lighting that messes with cameras. We promptly completed all the paperwork and were on our way...homeward bound.

As we were leaving Albuquerque we were greeted with the most lovely sight of early morning hot air balloons. It seemed as if everyone had come out to say goodbye and wish us a safe and enjoyable trip home. I realize that this is a tad bit narcissistic, but I found the fantasy to be a highly enjoyable one.

The first day of driving we were able to make it all the way to Bakersfield, California. We arrived around 6:30pm, promptly found a hotel and then set off for a great Mexican dinner at El Torritos. We were exhausted after a long day of driving and little sleep the night before, so we immediately went to bed when we returned to our hotel, after calling and checking on the kids. Our kids did so well while we were gone. Uncle Fred took them to Olive Garden on Friday night. Cody and his cousin Liam rode their bikes to Bidwell Park on Saturday, whereupon Liam lost his bike chain and one of the two had a flat tire. Cody called me from the park to inform me about their disabled status. They had already called Uncle Fred to come and retrieve them, but they were clearly having fun on their little adventure.

The next morning we arose at about 7 am, got in the car, drove to Highway 5, had a little breakfast and were back on the road making great time. We arrived back in Chico around 2 pm.

Now it's time to really unveil the new car, the newest shrine, Dan's new 2001 Acura NSX!

Isn't it pretty? And the trees turning fall colors ain't so bad either.

You can tell by the smile on Dan's face that a) he's glad to be home; b) he's proud of his new car; and sadly c) relieved to no longer be sitting in the slightly snug seat. When we both got into the car for the first time, be looked at each other and agreed that our behinds were slightly too big for the size of the seats. It appears that we need to lose some weight so that we can fit in our new car. It's much easier to buy bigger size clothing, much more difficult to get larger car seats.

We're off to see a man about a car

Tomorrow we're off to see a man about a car; a car that just happens to be located in Albequerque, New Mexico. We're flying out tomorrow afternoon and the plan is to drive Dan's new "shrine" back to California in time for me to make it to work on Monday. The bad news it is couldn't happen at a worse time, the end of the semester. The good news is that Dan and I finally get to have some "away alone" time, which we have had far too little of since the kids were born. Because of my admitted "uptightness" I never felt comfortable leaving my kids over night. I think since the kids were born we've only left them three times; twice for a weekend and once for an over night. I know that this probably hasn't been healthy for anyone, but my OCD tendencies just got the better of me. Dan's brother Fred has agreed to sleep over for the two nights that we are gone and they couldn't be in better hands. If you want me to get real, the kids are really old enough to spend the weekend on their own, afterall when I was Chelsea's age I was left on my own all the time. But it feels different when we're talking about my "babies." I plan on taking pictures on the road and hopefully I'll be able to post a few upon our return.

Dear Kidnapper

Dear Kidnapper,

About six weeks ago, during the dark of night, you snuck into our home and took our disrespectful, negative, and mouthy teenage daughter. In her place you left a sweet, respectful, and loving young woman. I am unsure of your motivation for taking our daughter. We haven't received a ransom note or any other request to ensure her safe return. I want you to know that you can keep her. We rather like the replacement. This morning the sweet young woman overslept and with only 5 minutes to get ready for school, she rushed around the house with nary a foul word passing from her mouth, sweetly asking for my assistance, and amazingly was ready to go in that brief amount of time with a smile on her face. It truly was a miracle. I am greeted with a hug and a kiss when I arrive home. When I ask her to do things she readily complies, whistling while she works. We have grown very attached to her and have no desire to see her go. You are welcome to keep the nasty teenage girl. Consider it an early Christmas present.

Gratefully,
The happiest mother of a teenager in the world

My heart is full

My heart is full right now and I consider the timing of my full heart to be quite fortuitous with Thanksgiving being tomorrow. Allow me to explain.

I just came from seeing the movie, "The Secret Life of Bees." I read the book and loved it. As you probably do, I always reserve a small corner of my heart with dread whenever I go to see a movie based on a book that I love. They rarely do it justice. I was so happy when the movie ended up making the experience of reading the book all the more glorious. If you haven't read the book, it is about a 14 year old girl, who when she was 4 accidentally shot and killed her mother during an incident where her father was physically abusing her mother. She lived the next 10 years with the guilt of having killed her mother, along with her hateful father physically and emotionally abusing her. The story takes place in the south at the time when the Equal Rights Act is signed by President Johnson. Through a series of events she runs away from home with her black housekeeper, running from the law, looking for a safe place to hide. She ends up in the home of three black sisters who lovingly welcome her into their home. The story is about how each of them enable the other to heal from the wounds that come from abuse and hate. The juxtaposition of the behavior of those who behaved in such hateful ways against the loving display of acceptance and love was stark and strangely beautiful.

It is one of those stories that causes you to pause and ask yourself what kind of person do I want to be? One that fearfully hides from life because I'm too afraid to look at my pain or it is too difficult to believe that I deserve anything better and in that muddled mess project all that fear and hurt on others by behaving in hurtful and less than loving ways. The other choice is to bravely look at the pain and the baseless belief of being of no value and to challenge it. To acknowledge and accept that I am a child of God and that I, just like you, do have a higher purpose than servicing the pain and fear. It is through focusing on my higher purpose that I am free to love and accept others, to be kind to others, and to ask where I can be of service.

I saw many parallels between the world of 1964 and the world of 2008. The groups that are divided may be different, but there is still division. I see and hear divisive things daily, be it in the media or from those I live around. I have felt the sting of judgment from others who don't even know me, but because I've self identified as belonging to a particular group, they assume terrible things about me. It hurts and it makes me feel angry. It would be so easy to fall into the trap of returning hate with hate, but what's the point? What I saw in the movie today was the healing power of quietly and courageous standing up for yourself from a place of knowing who you are; not allowing anyone else to define who you are; and returning cruelty with kindness. That's the kind of person that I want to be.

It also got me thinking about all that I have because I've faced so much of my personal pain. The full and rich life that I have today is the direct result of letting go of the hurt, facing my shame, and turning my weaknesses into my strengths. I know what my purpose in life is and I'm actively pursuing it. I also know that no matter how difficult times may become that because of my strong and loving family that we'll be able to face and deal with whatever may come our way. In fact, I'm kind of looking forward to the challenges ahead. I think we're going to become better people for it.

When I arrived home tonight, Dan and his brother Fred were here, along with my kids and their cousin Liam. I walked into the house with the most delicious smell of a newly seasoned pot of beans on the stove. My beautiful and sweet teenage daughter was happily watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" and it was my teenage son who was responsible seasoning those beans so well that we all just dove right in making tacos and listening to some new tunes that I downloaded to my iPod, while we joked and laughed and enjoyed each others company. So, you can see why my heart is so full. I hope yours is too. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Bella the Unexplainable Cat

We have owned 4 cats since Dan and I married 25 years ago and we've loved each of them for their unique personalities. Our most recent cat, Jen, was much loved and was so special because she acted more like a dog than a cat and she was very verbal. I never thought we would be able to find another cat that came close to her special personality...but we were wrong. I don't know what gene pool Bella came from, but to call her quirky does not adequately capture the cat that she is.

First, she never shuts up. She is constantly nagging and it seems that no matter what you do it is not enough and she has to comment in some way. Her manner of meow is unusual too. It sounds a bit like an engine revving. Second, she and Cici, our dog, have a very special relationship. They truly love each other. I previously posted a video of their playtime, but they often just hang out together as this picture clearly shows.

Third, she lets you do just about anything to her. Dan will pick her up by her hind legs, with her head swinging through the air and she does not protest or try to right herself. She just hangs there and appears to like it.

She even doesn't mind when we perch a can of soda on top of her head. She held the can on her head for minutes and never once shook her head or made any move to shake it off. In fact, I was able to take several pictures. Chelsea finally removed it from her head.

Let's just say that her quirkiness has burned a very special place in all our hearts. Her very best quality is how loving she is. Without invitation she will jump into any available lap, commence to purring very loudly, and make you feel like you're the most important person in the world.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: The lasagna was a hit! Greg had three large portions. Mona and I had two and I'm not sure how much Dan had, but he said he really loved it. Yeah!

UPDATE: When I told Dan about my plans to cater to his vegetarian tendencies he gave me a big thumbs down. He wants meat sauce in his lasagna, so I decided to use Pioneer Woman's lasagna recipe and cut the amount of meat in half. Dan even helped in the preparation and it appears to have turned out great, but we won't know until tonight when Greg and Mona taste it. I made sure to buy those two bottles of wine when I went to the grocery store so hopefully that will help when it comes time to review my cooking efforts.

We're having Greg and Mona over tonight for dinner and when searching for something new to cook, or more accurately something NOT Mexican to cook, I visited some of my favorite blogs. I checked out Pioneer Woman and she had a terrific lasagna recipe and I thought lasagna would be a good main dish, but when looking at her pictures of preparation of the lasagna I was struck by how much meat was in the lasagna. Now don't get me wrong, I love a meaty lasagna, but I'm not cooking just for me. Dan, who is usually a very good sport when it comes to eating meals I prepare with meat, prefers non-meat dishes, so I just couldn't subject him to that much meat. I remembered reading on Lisa Paige's blog "pampered with paige" that she and her husband Stu (who is a vegetarian) tried a crock pot vegetable lasagna and she kept raving about it. Not in just one posting but several postings. I figured that if she kept thinking about it and posting about it, it must be good. When I found her original posting of the vegetable lasagna she provided a link to a blog called A Year of CrockPotting.



It doesn't look all that appetizing, actually a little bit runny, but I think I'm going to try it. I figure I'll ply them with a few bottles of wine first so that the rather unattractive appearance won't be noticed as much. Wish me luck because the only thing I really know how to cook is Mexican, but I just can't subject them to another Mexican meal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a very different subject, but clearly another example of being outside one's comfort zone, I had an encounter with a student that broke my heart yesterday. He is Japanese and he has been in our country as an exchange student for 3 years. He has a very thick Japanese accent and speaks very broken English, which means that he is EXTREMELY hard to understand. He's also a bit of an odd duck. He always arrives to class 5 minutes late. He always enters the door at the front of the class, quickly shuffling in front of me as I've already started lecture, arriving at an available desk he clumsily settles in. My typical response to this behavior pattern is to say something to the student, but there was something about this one that caused me to hesitate and say nothing. I simply put up with it, but my curiosity was peaked. I immediately found out his name and started tracking his progress. It became immediately apparent that he was doing none of the assignments and none of the quizzes and exams. I don't babysit students, so if they don't do the work I don't seek them out and act like their mother. They are adults, they can make their choices and they can deal with the consequences of their choices and I treated this student no differently.

Two weeks ago he came to my office to discuss his grade, or should I say lack of a grade. When I asked him why he hadn't done any of the work, he responded that he was afraid of the computer. All of my evaluative work is done on line, therefore one needs a good relationship with ones computer to do well in my class. I wasn't sure if I had understood him correctly and so I worked very hard to understand exactly the nature of his problem. It turns out that it is not the computer per se that is the problem, it is going on line. He has a phobia. I told him that I would need some documentation of this, which he produced the next day.

He handed me a release of confidentiality form and I immediately contacted his therapist. She told me that he has paranoid ideations associated with going on line and that he has an anxiety disorder and he is currently on medication. My initial thought was "no s**t Sherlock" as each time I met with him he would be shaking and sweating, wringing his hands, and his eyes looked like a deer in headlights. Keep in mind that we are already 3/4 of the way through the semester. The Japanese student told me that he has to pass this class or he won't be able to go home. I wasn't sure if this was for cultural reasons (the whole shame thing with that culture) or academic reasons. But I was too exhausted trying to understand him at this point, so I printed up all the quizzes he missed and all the writing assignments that he missed and sent him on his way. A week ago he showed up with 11 of the quizzes completed. I graded them and he failed every one. It was clearly apparent that he was not going to be able to get caught up and pass the class. So I contacted my chair and asked if I could withdraw him even if he didn't consent to the withdrawal. My thinking was that it would be better for him to withdraw and therefore not have his GPA affected, rather than keep him in and surely fail the class. I recieved full support from my chair and the associate dean of the department.

He showed up at my office yesterday, agitated as usual. I proceeded to gently outline his two choices, stay in the class and fail or withdraw for mental health reasons. He immediately broke down sobbing. Sobbing did not help our already difficult communication. I was able to ascertain that if he failed this class or withdrew from this class that he would be sent home to Japan and he said he could not go home because his family and friends would be so ashamed. I thought, CRAP! I am the person that stands between him staying or going. I, of course, immediately wiped this thought from my mind as I'm not the one responsible for his predicament. If he had just come to me at the beginning of the semester, I could have directed him to a class that doesn't use the internet. But what's the use of sobbing over spilt suchi? (I know this is a highly inappropriate joke, but something had to pull me out of my irrational guilt and begin working the problem). I was able to find out the name of his student advisor in the International Students office. I called James and James informed me that he has been failing classes for the past two semesters and this was his last chance. He was only taking one class and that class was mine. He knew going in that it was a do or die situation and the patient is currently flatlining. The bottom line is because he will be withdrawn or failed that he will be deported. I tried as best I could to put on my therapist hat to help him come to terms with this horrible outcome, but who knows how much help it actually was. It was the most heartbreaking situation that I've ever had to deal with and I've had to deal with some pretty hard luck and tragic student situations. I sent him to talk with James so that James could begin to help him accept the reality of the situation and I plan on following up with his therapist when I return from Thanksgiving break. It was so very sad.

Counterpoint

After the last rather negative tirade of my last posting regarding my work, I thought it would be good to provide a positive counterpoint. I was contacted a couple of weeks ago by a colleague who writes for the University Alumni newletter asking if I would be willing to be the subject of the part-time faculty highlight article. After asking her if she was out of her mind, to which she assured me that she was quite sane, I agreed to be interviewed with the caveat that she visit Starbucks prior to the interview so she could maintain a certain level of consciousness. Here is the result of the interview:

Dr. Cindy Selby, who has been a part-time member of the Psychology Department faculty since the early 1990s, is bringing innovation to the teaching of Abnormal Psychology. Beginning fall 2008 semester, Cindy began using a case study simulation approach to the course, in which students take the role of professionals who arrive at DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) diagnoses applied to hypothetical patients. Students work in teams, and in consultation with Dr. Selby, to rule out competing diagnoses. Cindy terms this a “jigsaw” approach, in which student teams must work collegially to “complete the picture.” Additionally, students discuss the best theoretical approach to explain a particular disorder, and develop a treatment plan for each case study.

Dr. Selby spent much of this summer, in conjunction with her sister who is an educational consultant, developing the new approach to the abnormal course. As Cindy explains, “this is a much more active versus passive way to engage relatively large numbers of students in their own learning.” Cindy plans to continue her case study simulation approach in the future because students’ mid-term exam performance indicates it is very successful.

Cindy earned her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology in 2003 from Saybrook Graduate School and Research Center, founded by Rollo May and Abraham Maslow. Her graduate studies focused on a humanistic curriculum, which Cindy evaluates as an “excellent experience.” Dr. Selby has taught other psychology courses in the Department including research methods and introductory psychology. Additionally, Dr. Selby has been happily married for 25 years and has two teenage children. She looks forward to continuing her teaching career in the Department of Psychology. She is committed to providing students with a meaningful and relevant curriculum. No doubt her current undergraduate students in the Abnormal Psychology course agree.

Overall, I was quite pleased with what she took away from the interview and it was nice to be acknowledged for the work that I've done. So, in spite of my frustrating experience with the group of individuals I discussed in my previous post, I am well aware that my efforts are not going unnoticed and that always feels good.

Tired of being "dissed" or "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

I'm not the type of woman who sees sexism around every corner. I'm pretty realistic when it comes to women and work. I'm well aware that the choices that I have made mean that sacrifices in the area of career must be made. I don't subscribe to the belief that women can have it all; or maybe I should say that women can have it all, but it is impossible to do it all well. There are only 24 hours in a day and to give proper time and attention to being a wife, mother, employee, and healthy human being is simply impossible. Sacrifices have to be made. So back to being realistic; because I have never been willing to be half-assed while having it all, I put my education on the back burner while I had little children. It was the best decision ever because I would never trade those early years for anything. It was simply the most precious time of my life. Once they were in school I turned my attention back to getting my graduate degrees. I took things slowly so that I was always there to take my kids to school and to pick them up after school. I had time to take them to extracurricular activities and help with homework when needed. Again, I'm so glad that I made that choice. Finally, I completed my graduate education, my kids were grown enough to enable me to work. I felt like the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. I was given the opportunity to teach at a university and I had relatively happy and well adjusted children.

With all this being said, back to the sexism comment. I realized upon returning to the classroom that I was behind those who were much younger than me and that I would never be hired for a tenure track position. I was, and am at peace with this. However, as the years have ticked by (I returned to work in 2003) I've noticed certain attitudes directed toward me that I've chalked up to the fact that I have arrived at the party a little late and I figured that with time I would earn respect based on my job performance. My job performance has been very good. I receive consistently good student evaluations as well as peer reviews. I have been approached by several faculty members on the personnel committee and have been told how much they appreciate my contribution to the department. I think I've proven myself.

Every month the Introductory Psychology instructors get together (there are usually 5-6 of us depending on the semester) to discuss textbook choice, share teaching methods, and discuss where we want to take the course. I have always taught the most sections of the class; currently I teach 4 of the 7 sections being taught each semester. In other words, I teach the bulk of the courses. I have done this for several years now, therefore you'd think that my opinion or input would be taken seriously and treated with a little respect, but you'd be wrong. The push these last few meetings is to adopt a new teaching method called inter-teaching. One of the new instructors brought this method with him from his previous university and I've got to admit that it is an excellent alternative teaching method that truly engages students in the learning process. However, it requires the instructors to grade prep guides after the first class, determine where the weak areas are and then lecture on those weak areas the next time the class meets. Here's the problem. I have over 200 students. There is no way that I can grade 200 prep guides in a 48 hour period and I was also informed at the last meeting that this teacher who is using this method has a teaching assistant who grades his prep guides for one class of 60 students. Non-tenured faculty, meaning me, do not have access to teaching assistants. Since inter-teaching is not an option for me, simply because of the number of students that I have to teach each semester I began looking for an alternative method. I spent time speaking with my sister Lynnie who is a genius when it comes to this topic and we came up with a couple viable ideas. When I presented them at the meeting I was summarily dismissed. They immediately shot down the idea and said "That will never work." They did it in such an arrogant and disrespectful fashion that I can't help but wonder why. I felt so deflated. Here I am busting my butt to try to make things better and I received only a cursory hearing of what I thought was a highly viable option. The good news is that I don't have to have their approval to move forward with my ideas. I thought it would be respectful and professional to try to collaborate on alternative teaching methods with them, but clearly I was wrong. I think what makes me different from them is that they are either married with children (their wives are stay at home moms) or single with no prospects of marriage and no children. In other words, their work is their entire focus. I, on the other hand, juggle motherhood, work, and a husband. I don't have hours to contemplate the latest research in cognitive processing. I believe the fact that I have this rich life is what makes me a good teacher. I don't believe that they respect that fact. As I stated before, I've proven myself semester after semester. My evaluations demonstrate that I deserve a seat at the table and that my ideas deserve the same serious consideration that others receive, but I don't. The only explanation that makes any sense to me is that they don't take me serious because they see me as a mom who is playing college lecturer.

They can think whatever they want because ultimately I can create an alternative method on my own, just like I did for my abnormal psychology class. My students and I will be the better for it, and they can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

It's time for a change

When things go wrong with your internet server you suddenly realize how much you take it all for granted. I turn on my computer, click a few places, and I'm able to do all manner things, the most important being my work. When suddenly and unexpectantly I turned on my computer and no longer was able to access those services. After my initial panic, I gathered myself together and started working the problem. I knew that the problem was the router, which I disconnected and head to Best Buy. I handed the broken router to the Best Buy Guy and he proceeded to turn it in all directions, carefully inspecting it with the oddest look on his face, "I hate to tell you this, but this kind of router is outdated. They don't make it anymore. You could try finding one on the internet." This is not what you want to hear when you've got over 300 papers sitting in your inbox, awaiting grading. I don't have the luxury of time to hunt for an outdated router. This meant that we would have to contact our current internet server and make arrangements for an upgrade. Last time we upgraded they charged us $150 and took their sweet time showing up to do the upgrade. Time and money were not two resources that I felt like giving to our current internet server. The Best Buy Guy then suggested that we switch to another wireless broadband company; he checked his computer and determined that we were in their service area. Off to the new internet service provider. I got an account set up, they hand me a box with a modem in it, as well as a router and it was time to hook the new system up. All of this killed an entire morning, a morning that was supposed to be dedicated to work. Before I could complete the equipment hookup it was time to go and teach a class and then pick thekids up. Once home again, I had to return to Best Buy to purchase a longer cable; then back home again to finally finish the job at about 4:30 pm. It took an entire day to restore us back to a "state of normalcy." Now all we have to do is contact the numerous businesses that require an email as a user name. Something as simple as an email address change creates a tremendous cascade of additional work. Let's hope we don't have to do this again for a very long, long time. The one good side benefit is that all those junk emails will no longer be able to find me. It feels so good to be able to start out with a clean slate. There's always a silver lining if you look hard enough.

When things go better than expected

It is so strange how one day can be so sucky and the next day can be so great. Last night was pretty bad; feeling depressed and deflated. I slowly worked myself up from the dumps, expecting the day would be just an average working day, but then it turned into something much nicer.

The kids were both in pretty good moods. No verbal challenges or sparring occurred during the drive to school. I immediately headed to work. I usually return home to eat breakfast and then do some work before leaving for my first class. I went straight to work because I am a bit behind on grading and I wanted to get caught up. I was able to tie up quite a few grading loose ends before my first class.

Today was a one of those days in the classroom where everything seemed to click. I was witty, the students seemed interested, and we parted ways smiling rather than looking relieved that class was over. I went to my office for office hours and was greeted by Margaret, a tenured faculty member, who wanted to interview me for a feature article in the upcoming newletter. I chuckled and told her she was nuts and I hoped she had some Starbuck's with her for the interview. We ended up talking for the entire 50 minutes. Who knew I had so much to say and she seemed interested. She was so kind and assured me that as long as I want a job teaching I'll have a job teaching. It was really nice to hear, particularly since she is on the personnel committee. She told me that the "word of mouth" about me is great and that I'm one of the student favorites. My ego was sufficiently stroked and I felt pretty darn good after she left. It was now time to teach three more classes. Just like the first class they all went smoothly and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and left smiling.

Time to pick the kids up from school. When I arrived Chelsea and Katelyn were there to greet me, but no Cody. I called him on his cellphone, but it went immediately to voicemail. Where could he be? This is totally out of character. I went to the office to find out if he was in detention and that was what was keeping him. It was so strange to hope that my son was in detention! But alas, he was not. I started to get worried, because school had been out for 40 minutes now. Where could he be? When I returned to the car, Chelsea was on my cell phone; it was Cody. I was so relieved that I forgot to be mad at him. He actually had a good reason for not being there. Time to go home. The ride home was fairly uneventful, which means the ride home was good. Dan came home, also in a good mood. We talked about the silver-lining of McCain not being elected. Ate a great dinner and now I'm getting caught up on email and blog reading.

I'm so grateful for days like this.

Two choices

I have had to really struggle with all the feelings that have come with a McCain defeat and an Obama win. I've made very clear in previous postings how I feel about Obama. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. I don't agree with any of his policies. I fear what his administration will do to my country. But he won. He will be the president. I don't want to turn into a bitter political participant like we saw for the last 8 years among the Bush-haters. When I think of the things that were said and done against President Bush it turns my stomach. Bush wasn't a great president, but no one deserves to be treated in such a hateful manner and those who participated in such "off the wall" behavior should be ashamed of themselves. But today I understand the deep feelings of disappointment. I understand the deep feelings of anger. I understand how easily it is to slip into becoming bitter. So I have a choice. Do I now become an Obama-hater, spewing disrespectful hate filled words at him and those who support him or do I become a pro-active person who determines how I can positiviely participate in the system to fight for what I believe is right for this country? I decided to choose the later path.

What enabled me to make this choice were two blogs. The first blog is written by a woman who is a recovering alcoholic and a McCain supporter. Her blog posting focused on what she was grateful for, one of which was the bible verse, "Let not your heart be troubled..." That calmed me considerably. The second blog is written by a former Hillary supporter who crossed party lines and voted for McCain. She is a member of PUMA and actively campaigned for McCain in several different states. Her blog posting was absolutely classy. Even though she had personally been "roughed up" by Obama supporters during the campaign, she was able to take the high road, talking about unifying as a country, focusing our disappointment in a positive direction, and holding accountable the new administration.

12 more hours to go

It is raining cats and dogs today. It's cozy inside and I've made turkey chili and cornbread muffins. The house smells great. Chelsea and I decided to watch the 3rd season of "24." We're 12 hours in and I'm ready to throw in the towel. But Chelsea insists that we're going to watch all 24 episodes before the weekend ends. Oh my! I don't know if I can do it, but it is so much fun hunkering down under cozy quilts with my daughter that I'm going to give it all I've got. I'm grateful for these fun times to make up for the trying times I wrote about in my last post. It's as if grace has touched me on my shoulder and said, "Enjoy it while you've got it." I plan to.

Trying

Nothing really prepares one to be a parent of teenagers. In fact I think this may be the master plan because if any of us truly knew the extent of the challenge, we might choose not to have children. What makes the experience so heart wrenching is that it forces you to do one of two things; go immediately into denial and resurface when they finally make you a grandparent or take a long hard look at yourself, face your glaring faults, and deal with them. I'm trying as best I can to handle the experience with the second option, but it can be very difficult and painful at times. I never realized how easily I can become angry and yell instead of take a breath, stay calm, realize who is the grown up, and calmly speak with my teenagers. It is amazing how truly crazed I can become. When I allow myself to go there, the whole interaction then becomes about me and my poor handling of the situation, when it should be about the lousy attitude or downright disrespectful behavior of my teenagers. Maybe this is their strategy. Push my button so hard and fast that it is guaranteed to push me over the edge, loosing all control, and ultimately making it about my poor behavior, thereby justifying in some odd way their bad behavior. It's all so confusing. Is it too late for me to go into denial?

This is where having a supportive spouse comes in handy. I find that if I'm crazed, he stays calm and talks me down and visa versa. But that only works when we're both in the same location. Again, I think it is a teenage conspiracy. They seem to choose the car as the location to spring their trap. I'm trapped inside a metal box, going 65 mph (okay, 80 mph) down the highway, happily listening to my favorite talk show station and this voice comes from the back seat saying the very thing that messes with me in a tone that places the final straw in the camel's back and I'm without my reinforcements (Dan where are you when I need you the most?). Is it enough to say I'm trying? Because I really am trying; very, very hard. Thus far my success rate is about 10%, but I'm really, really, trying.

Words

As I spend my second night awake after stopping the Neurontin (could I be going through withdrawals?) my thoughts continue to circle around the upcoming election. As I've shared previously, I'm amazed at how people are willing to vote for a man who wants to fundamentally change this country. I've heard people speak of Obama's ability to inspire through his words. I have to admit, he does know how to give a speech. He has been given the special talent of weaving an intoxicating, inspiring, and awe-inducing message. I remember after he gave his speech on race and his acceptance speech at the DNC how many voiced their adoration of him and their hopeful anticipation that this country was on the brink of a new age.

With only 7 more days until the election I would like to share some more of Obama's words with you. What do these words inspire? These words were spoken by Obama during a 2001 radio interview. You might say this is ancient history, much like his associations with Ayers and Reverand Wright. But I would like to remind you that we heard very similar words come from Obama's mouth just a little over a week ago, so I have no reason to believe that his views have changed.

Quotes from the transcript of his 2001 radio interview:

OBAMA: But the Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth and more basic issues of political and economic justice in this society. It [the Warren Supreme Court]wasn't that radical. It didn't break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, at least as it's been interpreted and Warren interpreted it in the same way that generally is a charter of negative liberties. The Consititution says what the federal government can't do to you but it doesn't say what the federal government or the state government must do on your behalf. And that hasn't shifted and one of the, I think the tragedies of the civil rights movement was because the civil rights movement became so court-focused, I think that there was a tendency to lose track of the political and community organizing activities on the ground that are able to put together the actual coalitions of power through which you bring about redistributive change. And in some ways we still suffer from that.

(Italics added to show my emphasis)

The essential constraints and negative liberties that Obama is referring to are the principles that guarantees the federal government will not take away your free speech, will not take away your right to bear arms and he has a problem with this. He criticizes the Constitution for not saying what the government will do for you. He wants to usher in a government that does for you and me and as you know government always does a better job than the private sector. He believes, in fact, that the government will do a better job deciding how the money you and I earn should be spent. That's what wealth redistribution is all about. Taking my money and your money, by way of taxes, and giving it to those who are "behind us" to use his words spoken to "Joe the Plumber."

I don't want to over focus on this whole wealth distribution issue, even though it is incredibly important; what I find particularly chilling about Obama's statements is he takes issue with the founding document of this country, the Constitution. He believes it is fundamentally flawed. I think the more relevant question is what does this belief mean for an Obama presidency? He wants to flip the Constitution on its head. The Constitution guarantees power to the people. The government is meant to answer to us, the people. Obama wants to guarantee power to the government which means that the people answer to the government. This should frighten us all and I am not fear mongering. Sometimes fear is legitimate and when a presidential candidate suggests fundamental change of this nature, I think it is appropriate to be fearful.

In his speeches Obama says how he wants to heal this country; who could possibly be against healing? Healing is a good thing, right? In fact I feel better just saying the word "healing." But again, I have to ask what does that mean? What I might think will heal this country may be different from what Obama has in mind. Oh heck, why get bogged down in details? It will all work out in the end, right?

Words are powerful things, particularly when you stop and look at what those words, when strung together, mean. It appears that a few people in the press are beginning to look at the meaning behind Obama's words, much to the Obama campaign's chagrine. What I think is most telling is the way that the Obama campaign is responding. The TV station in Florida that interviewed Biden regarding Obama's spread the wealth comments has been informed that they no longer have access the the campaign. This is not the first time that they have done this. Could they be telegraphing to us what they will do in the future regarding anyone who speaks out against them? Remember those niggling constraints that the Constitution imposes...like free speech. Social pressure to alter speech to conform to a particular view is called political correctness. What do you call government pressure to alter speech to conform to a particular view????

Back to the drawing board

Remember how when I went to the doctor and he prescribed this drug named Neurontin and at the time the doctor assured me that there were no "real" side effects from taking this drug? Well, I'm not so sure of this assurance. I've been taking it regularly and initially taking one pill three times a day was doing the trick nicely. Almost all the facial pain went away...for about 2 weeks. Then little by little the pain started coming back. But that didn't particularly concern me because the doctor said that I could increase the dosage and increase it significantly, if need be, because, after all, it's a very safe drug with no "real" side effects. So over the past few weeks I've been increasing the dosage with last week my highest dosage being 900 mg, three times the originally prescribed dosage. This past week, even this highest dosage wasn't completely alleviating the pain. I have to admit that I began taking two Advil every day to help with the pain. I planned on calling the doctor on Monday to let him know that I had significantly increased my dosage, so that when it came time to renew it, a red flag wouldn't go off and I'd be reported to some drug agency as the latest junkie in town.

Last night, upon returning home from a lovely evening of food, wine, and friendly banter with our best friends, I noticed when I took my sandals off that there was a large imprint from the sandle and a slight bulge where the pressure of the leather of the sandal had not been. In other words, I was swollen. I wrote it off to sitting without moving for a while and possibly from drinking wine. This morning I still felt a bit swollen, but ignored it as denial is my favorite defense mechanism. However, by this evening my feet and calves felt like I had just gotten off of an 18 hour airplane flight and my hands felt and were so swollen that I couldn't remove my wedding rings. In my normal state my wedding rings are quite loose and come off easily. So I could deny it no longer. I know that edema can be a sign of a heart problem or high blood pressure. I pondered what could possibly be causing such sudden swelling. I did't feel like I had high blood pressure, wouldn't I have a headache? Not necessarily...it is the "silent killer" after all. I told myself, "you must get a grip. It's not high blood pressure. You've never had a history of high blood pressure. Think, it has to be something else." Then it occurred to me. Thank God for Google! I put in the search term "side effects and Neurontin." I clicked on the first medical journal article and what do I see listed as the #3 side effect...peripheral edema. Peripheral edema does not seem like a benign effect. I can't see any good coming from having and living with peripheral edema. So it's back to the drawing board. No more Neurontin for me. The experiment is officially over and it was a dismal failure.

Be of good cheer...one way or another we'll make it through

After my last downer of a posting I started receiving these "pep" emails from my brother-in-law Earl. The good news is they worked. The first email included an article about the the lack of reliability of polls. The next email included an article about how group influences affect individual behavior and how this may lead to erroneous poll results. The next email included an article suggesting a winning strategy for "you know who." By the third email I was feeling considerably better. The fourth email was the "everything is going to be okay" even if "you know who doesn't win" because we've planned well enough to get us through the rough economic times that are sure to come. Thanks Earl. You'll never know how much your email extravaganza lifted my spirits.

Speaking of the impending doom, better known as the US economy, isn't that Barney Frank something special? Yesterday, when interviewed by one of the business correspondents regarding what's next, his suggestion of what's next is that we need to begin a major government spending program, let our budget deficit fears take a "second seat" for a while, and raise taxes on rich people because they have the money to cover these expenditures. Of course, he doesn't define who the rich people are, but I have a sinking feeling that Dan and I might be considered "rich" by Frank and the rest of the far left Democrats. Of course Barney's suggestion for what's next is right in line with Obama's "spreading the wealth around." All I can say is don't blame me when Obama gets elected president with a filibuster proof Democratic congress. They've been pretty clear regarding their plans for this country. Unfortunately, very few people are actually hearing what they are saying. They're buying the schtick of change and hope. Well we're going to get change alright! Unfortunately it's going to be change that results in small business being crushed by higher taxes, laying off of employees, more and more government intrusion in our personal lives, because after all they're spreading the wealth around. So lock up your guns because they'll be coming for those too. Enjoy talk radio while you can because the fairness doctrine is right around the corner. We opened this door when we started looking to government to solve this economic crisis by passing these numerous bail outs.

And then there's Joe Biden. Isn't he something? I guess a crisis is coming our way within 6 months of Obama taking office. I'm supposed to gird my loins, but I'm not sure how to do that. What does that mean exactly? What happened to hope and change? Loin girding does not sound very hopeful.

Disenfranchised

I haven't posted for a while. I could say it is because I'm so busy, which I am. But, that's not the real reason. The real reason is that I don't want to talk about what I'm feeling because overall it is quite negative. I'd rather come up with some breezy anecdote from my life, one that puts a slight grin on your face, but I'm all out right now. I look at what is going on in our country now and I'm downright miffed. I feel as if I've gone through the looking glass and what was once up is now down and visa versa. I thought I lived in a country that prized self reliance and independence, but I stand corrected. I live in a country where everyone is more concerned about what government can do for them..."where's mine" seems to be the collective cry. I believe that we're about to elect a man who will further usher in a new socialist agenda. This is not a hyperbolic statement; instead it is a simple statement of the state of affairs. What bothers me most is that most people I see are just sitting back and taking it. There seems to be a general passive acceptance, as if this is the next natural step in the evolution of our country. There are those that are downright ecstatic about the change. It makes me sad and it is about all that I am able to think about.

Dan and I have worked very hard over the past three decades. We've paid off our house. We haven't lived beyond our means. We steadily put away money for our retirement because we know that we will never see our social security. We've taken responsibility for our finances. We never expected anyone other than ourselves to secure our financial security. But in the space of a few weeks, we've lost nearly half of our retirement. At the same time, our legislature voted for a bail out bill that commits $750 BILLION DOLLARS of tax money that is placed in the hands of the very government officials who CAUSED this mess. So, not only has the value of our retirement and our home decreased at staggering levels, but we also get to pay the bill for others who acted irresponsibly. Am I wrong to feel as if we are now living in an alternate reality? So I'm just trying to sort all this out. To come to terms that the America that I grew up believing in is now fundamentally changing. It appears that there is nothing that I can do to change it. Both political parties, which are the only current bandwagons to jump on, are so corrupt and misguided. I'd love to vote for a third party candidate, but then there is the whole "throwing your vote away" argument where there is a precident...remember Ross Perot? I feel so disenfranchised. I feel so angry. I feel so frustrated. I feel so powerless. That's why I haven't posted. Who wants to hear the rantings of a middle aged woman?

RIP

Walt Barber passed away last Monday. We knew it was going to happen soon, but it is still a bit jarring when the call comes and makes the dreaded expectation a reality. I'm embarrassed to admit that when Dan told me that the funeral was on Friday at 11 am, I said, "well I can't go, I have to go to work. I can't cancel classes." Dan said he understood and that he would be sure to go and represent our family. Then, thank God, I got a clue. How could I not go and pay my respects and offer support to the family? So, I cancelled all my classes on Friday and I plan to be there and remember this wonderful man. Bruce, Walt's stepson and Dan's childhood friend, called today to ask Dan if he would be one of the pallbearers. Dan was so honored and immediately accepted. Tomorrow will be a sad day. We'll say good-bye to Walt and remember what a loving, kind, and giving man he was.

Buried

It seems like it has been months since my last post. There has been so much happening at so many levels, that the sense of overwhelm is almost unbearable at times. Work remains a huge time consumer and I just finished today (Sunday) all of my grading from the past 10 days. I was literally buried under the weight of it. But I only have myself to blame for scheduling assignments as I did.

Then we have the whole economy thing. I realize that we've planned well financially for our future, but as we watch our retirement accounts become eaten into by the volitility of our economy, for the first time we are having to ask ourselves what adjustment we need to make to ensure that we'll be able to take care of the basics, like send our children to college. The psychological game that our politicians have been playing haven't helped either. They've created this environment of desperation in order to convince the American public that this $700 billion dollar bail out is necessary. I've heard numerous alternative suggestions from the brightest of our private sector business people, but I haven't heard a single courageous politician offer an alternative to our leveraging our children's future. They make my stomach turn. Our senators and representatives have just committed all of us to turning over $700 billion dollars to the very people who got us into this mess. It makes me want to scream. It is a heavy psychological and financial burden that we all must carry now.

There are also family issues, that I don't care to elaborate on that are always close to the surface of my mind.

So what did we do to lighten things up around here? We went to the movies. We saw Appalousa with Ed Harris, Viggo Mortensen, Jeremy Irons, and Renee Zellweiger (sp?). It was very good and the popcorn wasn't half bad either. Today we went and saw An American Carole. It was the typical Airplane/Naked Gun kind of comedy, but it was nice for a change to have a pro-American theme in a Hollywood production. Kelsey Grammar was great as General Patton. Trace Adkins was in it too. He played the Angel of Death and at the end of the movie he even sang a song. That was a real bonus.

Time to start getting my mind in work mode again. Hopefully this week will be a little less stressed.

Failed experiment and a last good bye

Well it's been a little over a week since I started the Neurontin and I'm happy to report that my facial pain is almost completely gone. In my last posting I hypothesized that if the pain goes away, then this means that I have trigeminal neuralgia (TN), but I'm not entirely convinced that my pain is due to TN, but instead due to nerve regeneration. Here's my evidence.

Last night we went up to Paradise to celebrate our friend, Steve Arrington's 60th birthday. In attendance was one of my old high school friends, Doug Snider, who I saw about a year ago. At one point in the evening he commented, "so your facial paralysis is almost completely cleared up now?" Quite frankly I was taken back a bit by this question because I'm a realist. I know that it is still evident that I have facial paralysis, but the way he asked the question did not indicate that he was just trying to "be nice." He asked the question in ernest. So I'm left to wonder...maybe he's actually seeing an improvement because there is an improvement. Follow my logic; if there is an improvement in the movement of my face, then this means that nerve regeneration is occurring, which means that the facial pain is due to the nerve regeneration and not TN. Put it this way, I'm hopeful and I'm not willing to concede that I have TN.

Cody was home from school for 4 days last week because he had a case of the flu. Unfortunately, on Friday I started getting a sore throat and by Saturday morning I had full on body aches and a terrible headache. My nose began to run, along with the obligatory nasal congestion. Today the body and headaches are gone and I'm left with a garden variety cold. The good news is that I'm going to be fully capable of going to work tomorrow. I'm scheduled so tightly with my class curriculum that I just can't take missing a day of work. I'd rather work sick than deal with the stress of catching up.

One final note. One of the reasons that we didn't cancel going to Steve's birthday party was because of his wife's step-father Walt. Walt and Ruth Barber came and stayed with us during the horrific fires in Paradise. We were happy to provide them lodging and having Ruth here felt like having a mom in residence. She prepared meals and helped around the house. Walt is such a sweetheart and lovely to just sit and visit with. Upon returning to their home after getting the "all's clear," they kept their usual doctor's appointments and it was during one of these appointments that Walt received the terrible news that his skin cancer had spread to his bones and now it is all throughout his body. He does not have long to live. He's a precious man. Now that most of us have lost our dads, he's become a surrogate dad. So the news of his impending death is heartbreaking. Walt and Ruth live next door to Steve and Cindy, so we felt strongly, in spite of my illness, that we wanted to go up to say our good-bye's to Walt. Cindy took us next door upon our arrival and ushered us into Walt and Ruth's living room. There was Walt, wrapped up in blankets in his recliner. He barely could wake up and he mumbled his acknowledgement that we were there. But he really couldn't talk. His one comment was, "Well, I'm not dead yet." This statement was not morose, but simply a comment on the current state of things. We spent most of our time visiting with Ruth, assuring her that she and Walt would remain in our prayers. This will be the second husband that she will bury. Fortunately she has her daughter and son-in-law, along with their 3 children living next door, so they can daily love and support her through this. I'm so glad that we were able to say our good-byes to Walt and to tell him one last time that we love him.

Girls just want to have fun

My two little "girls," Bella (3 mo.) and Cici (3 years) have really fallen in love with each other. In the early hours of the morning, my quiet time, Cici harrasses me to go and get Bella out of the laundry room. They greet each other each morning with a nose-to-nose bump. They chase each other around the house and the other morning I was able to catch a little more than a minute of their play time. These play sessions often run on for 20 minutes at a time. It looks like Bella is angry at Cici, as she has her ears bent back and her back is often hunched, but as you'll notice in this video, she eggs it on, laying on her back reaching up with her paws to get Cici to re-engage in their play. Cici is amazingly gentle with tiny Bella, which makes me love her all the more. When we first introduced them to each other, it did not go very well at all, so to see how they've grown to really love each other really warms my heart.

Time for an experiment

I saw my neurologist, Dr. Brasch, on Tuesday this past week to get the nerve analgesic that Tadd, my brother in law, had told me about. I really love Dr. Brasch as a person. He was the first, after seeing three previous neurologists, that was a) not weird and b) willing to spend the time and educate me about my facial paralysis. I had seen him two times previous to my current appointment. The first time I saw him was about 3 years after the paralysis and all I wanted was some answers about my prognosis and to gain some understanding of how this could have happened to me. During the course of taking my medical history, I related to Dr. Brasch the 10 day episode of facial pain that came with the infection of my facial nerve, however at the time of my appointment I was not experiencing any facial pain. I was there simply to gather information.

The second time I visited Dr. Brasch I saw him because I had facial pain and at that appointment he diagnosed me with trigeminal neuralgia and gave me Tegretol to deal with the pain. I never ended up taking that medication because Dan decided to see if maybe my pain was related to a bad tooth, which turned out to be the case. I did not have trigeminal neuralgia. However, I failed to call Dr. Brasch to tell him that my problem was dental related and not nerve related.

Fast forward almost 10 years, and now I found myself sitting in his exam room again for facial pain. However, this time I know for sure that it is not dental related. Dr. Brasch goes over my previous visits with me and I inform him about the previous dental problem that accounted for my facial pain, but I don't think he really heard me. He began to ask me questions and after doing a neurological exam, he gave me his impression of what was wrong with me...trigeminal neuralgia. In fact, he framed it as a re-occurrence of trigeminal neuralgia (TN). I told him that I didn't have this condition before, that it was a dental problem. We then began to have a discussion about how TN typically presents. People with TN are in constant pain. My pain is situation specific, related to mouth movement. I suggested that this might be the result of neural regeneration and muscle cramping of atrophied muscles. He was not particularly receptive of this idea, however he did state that it was a possibility. He seemed to be pretty attached to the idea that I have TN. He immediately suggested that I take a nerve analgesic, Neurontin, which was the medication that Tadd suggested. So I decided not to challenge the official diagnosis any further, because quite frankly he was giving me the medication that I had intended on getting when I made the appointment. Basically it was mission accomplished, with a tiny bit of frustration thrown in. We exchanged a few more pleasant comments (he really is a wonderful man!), he handed me my prescription, and I was on my way.

Here's where the experiment comes in. If my pain is coming from TN, then the Neurontin should do the trick by relieving my pain. However, I'm wondering if the cause of the pain is the cramping of atrophied muscles, then will a nerve analgesic take care of all the pain? Maybe it will, by blocking the pain impulses coming from the cramping muscle. So, I decided that I'm going to follow exactly the instructions of my doctor and see if the Neurontin does what the doctor says it will do. My sister, Lynnie, sent me some homeopathic oils that are supposed to help with pain. Bless her ever loving heart, looking out for me and my aching face! But I'm going to hold off using them so that if the pain does lift, then I know for sure that it is the Neurontin, and not the oils. If the Neurontin doesn't work, then I think my next option is going to be acupuncture and the oils.

Bat Crap and Happy Accidents

Saturday night I had the living bat crap scared out of me by three very important people in my life. To place the bat crap scaring into the proper context, I've been having facial pain. Eighteen years ago I had an infection in my facial nerve and as a result I was left partially paralyzed on the right side of my face (cue the violins, NOT). Gradually over these years I've regained about 60% of my facial movement back. Last January, when I started teaching my intersession course, which required talking for 4 hours straight, I started having stabbing pains on the paralyzed side of my face. We determined that the reason for the sudden and unexpected pain is that more of my nerve has regenerated and muscles that have been out of commission and therefore were atrophied were now receiving nerve impulses. When a muscle isn't used to receiving nerve stimulation and then it suddenly does, it revolts. It revolts by cramping up and if you've ever had a muscle cramp, you know how much it hurts. Anyway, since I've been back in the classroom (3 weeks) I've started having the facial pain again. I've been dealing with the pain by taking Advil. In fact, I've been taking 600 mg at a time (a total of 1200 - 1800 mg each day). Now back to Saturday night and my bat crap. I was sharing this information with Dan, Greg, and Mona and they proceeded to tell me that taking that dosage would lead to kidney failure. In fact, they told me that there was this professional football player who took 2000 mg per day for 4 weeks and he ended up needing a kidney transplant. To say this panicked me is an understatement. I really like my kidneys. I'm quite attached to my kidneys. I don't want to have to find new kidneys. But I'm in a pickle folks! I'm in pain and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, when I have to talk for 5 hours straight, I have a really hard time getting through without taking something to take the edge off the pain. So what's a girl to do? Finally I got a clue and called my brother in law Tadd, who happens to be a urologist, so he knows a thing or two about the kidneys and asked him if I had placed my kidneys in jeopardy. Boy I am glad I called him! He very calmly (very good bedside manner) and reassuringly told me that I probably hadn't hurt my kidneys. That taking 1200mg per day as long as I alternate it with some other analgesic, to give my kidneys a slight rest, I won't do any real damage to my kidneys. He also told me that there is a new nerve analgestic that is really good, so I called my neurologist and made an appointment to see him tomorrow.

Today I made an accidental discovery that alleviated a lot of my stress related to my Abnormal Psychology class. I've been mildly obsessed with assigning students to groups and what do I do if someone is absent from class. I've been twisting myself into knots trying to anticipate and deal with students who have planned absences (i.e., athletes) and unplanned absences (i.e., death in the family), both of which have happened in the past week. I've been keeping up relatively well with these absences. Today I received an email from a student who was supposed to present today to her group informing me that she wouldn't be able to make class. What was I going to do? Ask a student from another group to present the case? But if they did that, then they would miss out on the case being presented in their group. This didn't seem like a good solution. So, I said to myself, "what about you? Couldn't you present the case?" To which I answered absolutely. When the class started I informed the group that had the absent member that I'd be presenting the case and they seemed rather pleased with this option. I requested that I present first so that I could use the remaining time being available for the other groups should they need my assistance. I presented the case and then went on with observing and helping the other groups. I noticed that one of the groups was missing a member. I asked the group who was missing and when we determined who the absent student was, it was clear that this student a) hadn't contacted me to let me know she wasn't going to be there, and 2) she hadn't presented her case yet. I asked myself, "what would prevent me from presenting the absent student's case?" I answered myself, "nothing at all." So I presented that case as well. Both groups seemed to really like my presenting a case to the group. As a result, a light bulb went on in my head. In the future, I think I'm going to build into the schedule having me present cases to these groups. It enables me to model how to present a case in a succinct manner and it gives me time with small groups of students. I just love happy accidents like this!

Dishwashers and students

You know that errant student who had a financial hold on her adding the class? She emailed me this morning asking me to send her the materials for our group work tomorrow. Let's just say that the tone of my email was not very understanding. I explained to her that I could no longer allow her to be in the class because she failed to come through as she promised. End of discussion. I felt a little biotchy, but I kind of think she deserved it.

Our dishwasher broke. Our old and faithful dishwasher of 22 years finally met its final reward and has moved on to where ever broken dishwashers go. But, it left a whole bunch of water all over my hardwood floor. For that last passive-aggressive act, I say good riddens! Here's the impressive part. Dan went to Best Buy, all on his own, and picked out and ordered a new dishwasher. He chose the exact one that I would have chosen if I had been there. He's such a gem. He knows how busy I am and was thoughtful enough to take care of things so I wouldn't have to. I think he's a keeper. I'm looking forward to starting my new relationship with my new dishwasher, but it won't be here until Sept. 30th. That's just too much time to have to wash and dry the dishes the old fashioned way, so I decided to make an additional contribution to our local landfill by using paper plates, bowls, and glasses. I know, no need to thank me.

Expect the unexpected

I knew before starting this new curriculum in my abnormal psychology class that I would need to be adaptable. I even stated in a previous posting my discomfort with living with the unknown and lack on control that comes with a class depending so heavily on group work, but my goodness, I had no idea how adept I would be required to be. I stressed the first two weeks of class the importance of finalizing the class roster so that group assignments could be made. I asked in very forceful terms that if there was any doubt about ones ability to do the coursework to please drop the class now rather than waiting. Last Weds. I announced that I had finalized the class roster and if anyone had second thoughts, they would need to let me know that day that they would be dropping the class. No one spoke up, so I happily proceeded to finalize the class roster and to make the group assignments. The class count at that time was 62. This number was predicated upon one student who had been dealing with a "hold" on her registration in the class and she assured me in no uncertain terms that she would be enrolled by Friday, which is the deadline to add the class. Great, all systems were go; or so I thought. The weekend comes and I am so looking forward to relaxing and de-stressing because I really needed to after such a busy week. However, I decided to check the class roster on line to see if that student who promised to have her enrollment status cleared up by Friday had indeed come through. I wasn't particularly concerned if she hadn't as I had created templates for group assignments for 60, 61, 62, 63, & 64 student class rosters. Nothing could have prepared me for what I discovered. Not only did the one student who had enrollment issues not cleared up her status, three students dropped without telling me. If you do the math, this means that I was now facing a class roster of 58 students. I didn't have a template made up for 58 students. You might be asking yourself, what's the big deal? Just make a new template. It's not that simple. I worked the entire weekend and I was able to do the group assignments for 4 of the total 14 diagnostic categories. It takes a long time to make a template for the entire semester. My over-preparedness during summer break did little to help me with my current situation. As they say, the best laid plans...So I've learned the hard way to expect the unexpected.

Delayed reaction

I realize that Palin's speech occurred a couple of days ago, but I've been so busy with work that this is my first chance to share my impressions. Remember that I had seen her interviewed a few months ago, and my first impression of her was very positive. However, I was well aware, particularly in light of the feeding frenzy in the press regarding her private life, that this speech was a "make it, or break it" situation. I was so thrilled when I heard her speak at the convention because my first impressions of her paled in comparison to my positive reaction to what she had to say in her speech to the RNC. As she spoke, I immediately felt like I was listening to an average American. She is a citizen politician, rather than a professional politician. She faces the same challenges that I do and she has no overblown sense of import that often results from becoming an elected official. But, these are just superficial observations.

While these surface impressions create a more receptive attitude, I was also pleased with the actual content of her speech. One of the biggest challenges to her nomination is her "lack of experience." In my view, this is actually a plus. I equate her lack of experience as being one of the uninitiated into Beltway politics. Her resume, however, demonstrates that she does have experience managing large budgets, dealing with complex issues associated with running a city and a state. The kind of experience that the other three candidates all lack. What impresses me most is her willingness to stand up to those within her own party and to stay true to conservative principles. I don't self identify as a Republican because I think the Republicans are as much at fault for the growth of our government as the Democrats are. That's why I identify myself as a conservative. I want my elected officials to place the people's business ahead of their personal desire to hold on to and to gain more power and influence. What I saw in Sarah Palin, as she spoke the other night, was a woman who understands that she is seeking the job of representing the people, not the advancement of herself or some special interest; she knows that the people are not gullible enough to fall for the elegantly framed simplistic campaign slogans. For example, the argument that drilling domestically isn't going to get us off foreign oil; most Americans are smart enough not to fall for this all or nothing kind of argument. Clearly we have the ability to do more than one thing at a time; let's use all available forms of energy. She has a deep understanding of the energy issues and I consider the energy issue to be very interconnected with our national security. For me, national security is number one and energy independence is number two on my list of priorities. All in all I was thrilled with her speech. She talked about the issues that I'm most concerned about and did so in a way that I can whole-heartedly support. The fact that John McCain chose her, gives me just a smidgen more confidence in his judgment. I'm still wary of him, because I think he still has some ideas that will grow government more, but when I look at what Obama has to offer; bigger and more intrusive government, I'll feel a little better about casting a vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. I wish it was a Palin/McCain ticket, but maybe in 2012 I'll have a chance to vote for her for President.

Are you getting tired too?

I ended my last post with a comment about what I predicted the mainstream media will do to Palin, but I failed to take into account the universe better known as the internet. Quite frankly, if I had taken it into account I could never have predicted what would be thrown in Palin's direction. The announcement this weekend that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant led to the most unbelievable allegation. On the Daily Kos, it was written that her 17 year old daughter was actually the mother of 4 month old baby Trigg who has Down's Syndrome. That Palin faked her pregnancy to hide the fact that her teenage daughter was pregnant. It defies all logic and I think it is physically impossible. To give birth to a baby 4 months ago and then to now be 5 months pregnant. But why blur the issue with facts, let's just spew hatred everywhere. I have one question. Where are all the feminists? Shouldn't they be defending a sister in arms? Oh I forgot, she's not the right woman. She doesn't think correctly, therefore she doesn't deserve defending. I don't know about you, but I'm sick to death of win at any costs. All that matters is winning, but unfortunately in the end the American public is the loser. No wonder no good people want to seek service in the form of taking public office. Would you be willing to subject yourself and your family to such defamatory statements? I know I wouldn't.

It's a girl!

Because I'm a conservative, I've not been particularly keen on John McCain. His positions on the border, global warming, and no drilling for oil in Alaska really rub me the wrong way. However, what has made it possible to still consider voting for him is his strong stance on the war and dealing with fundamentalist, extremist Islamists. Quite frankly, he drips Washington Establishment and I'm sick to death of politicians in general and their tendency to place their desire to be re-elected over facing and solving the pressing problems of this country. That being said, I was gob-smacked, in a good way, when he chose Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, for his VP pick. I had heard of her before. About a month ago I learned about her taking on of the corrupt Republican establishment in her state. She really cleaned house and that impressed me. I remember thinking at the time that I wished we had more elected officials like her. I realize that she is short on experience, not unlike the top of the Democratic ticket, but I'm thinking that might be a good thing. What's important to me is that those who choose to represent me hold onto core values and principles that guide their decision-making process. I want my elected officials to make their decisions based upon right and wrong instead of bowing to the interests of their largest donors, or giving into pressure from special interest groups. Sarah Palin seems to at least to have a moral compass and she's not afraid to stand up to those who have held, for far too long, positions of power. So, the Democratic Party and the liberal media will take their cheap shots at her; NBC was the first to have as a banner under her picture as she spoke this morning that stated something along the lines of, How may more houses will be on the Republican ticket? What a disrespectful and horrid thing to put on a breaking news story. NBC would never, I repeat never, treat a woman Democratic nominee that way. Instead they would be heralding the historic import of such a nomination. But, I guess it is too much to ask for objectivity and fairness from the clearly biased mainstream media.

Busy, busy, busy, happy

You can guess that I've been busy. Most of my students are freshman and there's a unique kind of panic, mixed with excitement, mixed with overwhelm that emanates from a freshman's eyes and those eyes often are looking at me, asking me to "do something." Whatever that "something" is takes time and so much of my week has been herding and training freshmen in the ways of being a college student. I'm not complaining. I actually enjoy bringing some calmness to all this chaos. I feel useful, which makes me happy. Because I have an additional section, more grading also adds to the busyness. But, the good news is I'm keeping up thus far. I'm also feeling rather good because this semester I decided to really come out of the closet as a conservative professor. I share with the students my personal experiences in the university system as a person who holds conservative beliefs. Without going into great detail, the sum of my experience has been, be quiet, give them what they want, and you get to pass and get the degree. Speak up, challenge, question, means trouble, which of course is the antithesis of what education should be. So, when I introduce the core theme of critical thinking to my students I tell them how important discourse of all views is to educational process. I also share that it is imperative that we treat all people, regardless of their views, with respect and that my classroom is a safe place for challenging and questioning. In the past I have hinted that my beliefs differ from most in my department, but this time I just came out with it. It felt very good and the students were very receptive...lots of head nodding as I shared my personal experience and expectations regarding classroom discourse. All and all this has been a very busy and satisfying week.

Back in the saddle again

What a hectic and busy day. It was the first day of classes. I had four today, beginning at 10 am, followed by an hour break and then one class after the next for the next 3 hours. My throat began to be horse after the second class...too much talking! The class that I was so worried about, abnormal psychology, ended up being a rather popular class. I had 16 students show up wanting to be added. I had 4 "no shows" and was able to add 9 students, but had to wait list the remaining 7. Of course there is absolutely no hope for them being added, but I thought "waiting listing" them would soften the blow. Each of the four sections seem to be fairly engaged and well mannered. I usually develop an instant dislike for one section, but thus far no visceral reaction. I realize this sounds rather cold and harsh, but what brings about such a negative reaction to a section is usually because they are disrespectful (talking to others and not paying attention) and/or generally disengaged from the process. I may be speaking too soon as I still have to meet my final section tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have my first semester where I like all 5 sections.

Cody missed two days of class last week because he got sick. Today he returned to school and was rather overwhelmed by how much work he has to make up. But he's been working steadily since he arrived home this afternoon. Hopefully, he'll catch up soon and won't feel any further negative effects from missing school.

Dan finally opened up his Christmas present from me...a camera. He uploaded the software, learned how to operate all the buttons, and charged his battery, all without any help from me. This is a truly amazing accomplishment and he deserves mega recognition for stepping out on his own. The final step is actually taking pictures and uploading them to his computer, but I have total faith that he'll figure that one out on his own as well. I am so proud of you honey!

Waiting

After all the hussle and bussle of getting everything ready for my classes, I've finally prepared all that I can before classes start next Monday. It has been such an intensely focused endeavor week after week since the beginning of July, that it's unnerving having nothing left to do, except wait to see whether my mounainous efforts in remaking my Abnormal Psychology is a spectacular success or spectacular failure. There are so many variables that I just can't control and it is up to me to be adaptable enough to deal with whatever unexpected events may come my way. If you know anything about me, it is this...I like to be in control. So, this uncertain outcome is making me feel quite unnerved. The busyness of preparation served to keep my mind occupied so that I couldn't dwell on my lack of control, so I miss the busyness.

Chelsea and Cody are still adjusting well to being back in school. They both have quite a bit of homework and have been diligently working every afternoon after school. They are both taking a 7th class on line, which makes their load a little more heavy than usual. It is such a relief, however, to see that Cody is doing fine thus far being a freshman in high school. Nothing untoward has happened to him, unless he isn't telling me, but I think I would notice a change in his demeanor if anything was wrong.

I'm teaching 5 classes this semester, with a total of 299 students (that's if I don't add any students above the scheduled enrollment, which by the way I always end up doing). That's a lot of students and a lot of grading. I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep up with all the grading. Yet another thing to worry about. So it's now a waiting game until Monday. Maybe I'll get a pedicure tomorrow to keep my mind off things.

I can't believe my good luck

Do you remember these pictures of my messy office mate? My OCD tendencied self has had to live with this mess and it has really gotten to me. So I wasn't exactly thrilled when I found out that not only would I continue to have him has my office mate, that yet another person was going to be added to our office. The Messy One was ordered to clean up his mess in order to accommodate the new office mate. I wasn't very hopeful. Here's a series of pictures to remind you how bad the mess was.


I went to my office today to print up my syllabi and when I opened the door I was shocked. I couldn't believe my eyes!
I realize it still looks a bit messy, but it is really an improved mess. The boxes that are to the left of his desk and under the bookcases on the right are all labeled to be taken somewhere else, so they won't be there much longer, leaving even more space.
While he still has messy piles on the desk in the corner, you can see that he emptied out an entire bookshelf and most of the mess is up off the floor. There are still a couple of boxes under the corner desk, but he has names on them, which indicate that eventually the named people will be the recipients of the boxes.
The desk against the window was set up very nicely, so I assumed that these were the belongings of our new officemate. I was surprised that he and the Messy One would be basically sharing the same half of the office, leaving me with the remaining half all to myself. But I soon found out from my boss, that when the new officemate saw the state of things, even though the messiness is much improved. He asked to be placed in someone elses office.....and my boss agreed. So even though I still have to share the office with the Messy One, I'm going to have a lot more space, so much so that I'm thinking of buying a small rug to put on my side of the office to warm things up a bit. What more could a girl want, a little clean space where she can put a rug. I'm feeling very lucky today; maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.