My heart is full

My heart is full right now and I consider the timing of my full heart to be quite fortuitous with Thanksgiving being tomorrow. Allow me to explain.

I just came from seeing the movie, "The Secret Life of Bees." I read the book and loved it. As you probably do, I always reserve a small corner of my heart with dread whenever I go to see a movie based on a book that I love. They rarely do it justice. I was so happy when the movie ended up making the experience of reading the book all the more glorious. If you haven't read the book, it is about a 14 year old girl, who when she was 4 accidentally shot and killed her mother during an incident where her father was physically abusing her mother. She lived the next 10 years with the guilt of having killed her mother, along with her hateful father physically and emotionally abusing her. The story takes place in the south at the time when the Equal Rights Act is signed by President Johnson. Through a series of events she runs away from home with her black housekeeper, running from the law, looking for a safe place to hide. She ends up in the home of three black sisters who lovingly welcome her into their home. The story is about how each of them enable the other to heal from the wounds that come from abuse and hate. The juxtaposition of the behavior of those who behaved in such hateful ways against the loving display of acceptance and love was stark and strangely beautiful.

It is one of those stories that causes you to pause and ask yourself what kind of person do I want to be? One that fearfully hides from life because I'm too afraid to look at my pain or it is too difficult to believe that I deserve anything better and in that muddled mess project all that fear and hurt on others by behaving in hurtful and less than loving ways. The other choice is to bravely look at the pain and the baseless belief of being of no value and to challenge it. To acknowledge and accept that I am a child of God and that I, just like you, do have a higher purpose than servicing the pain and fear. It is through focusing on my higher purpose that I am free to love and accept others, to be kind to others, and to ask where I can be of service.

I saw many parallels between the world of 1964 and the world of 2008. The groups that are divided may be different, but there is still division. I see and hear divisive things daily, be it in the media or from those I live around. I have felt the sting of judgment from others who don't even know me, but because I've self identified as belonging to a particular group, they assume terrible things about me. It hurts and it makes me feel angry. It would be so easy to fall into the trap of returning hate with hate, but what's the point? What I saw in the movie today was the healing power of quietly and courageous standing up for yourself from a place of knowing who you are; not allowing anyone else to define who you are; and returning cruelty with kindness. That's the kind of person that I want to be.

It also got me thinking about all that I have because I've faced so much of my personal pain. The full and rich life that I have today is the direct result of letting go of the hurt, facing my shame, and turning my weaknesses into my strengths. I know what my purpose in life is and I'm actively pursuing it. I also know that no matter how difficult times may become that because of my strong and loving family that we'll be able to face and deal with whatever may come our way. In fact, I'm kind of looking forward to the challenges ahead. I think we're going to become better people for it.

When I arrived home tonight, Dan and his brother Fred were here, along with my kids and their cousin Liam. I walked into the house with the most delicious smell of a newly seasoned pot of beans on the stove. My beautiful and sweet teenage daughter was happily watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" and it was my teenage son who was responsible seasoning those beans so well that we all just dove right in making tacos and listening to some new tunes that I downloaded to my iPod, while we joked and laughed and enjoyed each others company. So, you can see why my heart is so full. I hope yours is too. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Bella the Unexplainable Cat

We have owned 4 cats since Dan and I married 25 years ago and we've loved each of them for their unique personalities. Our most recent cat, Jen, was much loved and was so special because she acted more like a dog than a cat and she was very verbal. I never thought we would be able to find another cat that came close to her special personality...but we were wrong. I don't know what gene pool Bella came from, but to call her quirky does not adequately capture the cat that she is.

First, she never shuts up. She is constantly nagging and it seems that no matter what you do it is not enough and she has to comment in some way. Her manner of meow is unusual too. It sounds a bit like an engine revving. Second, she and Cici, our dog, have a very special relationship. They truly love each other. I previously posted a video of their playtime, but they often just hang out together as this picture clearly shows.

Third, she lets you do just about anything to her. Dan will pick her up by her hind legs, with her head swinging through the air and she does not protest or try to right herself. She just hangs there and appears to like it.

She even doesn't mind when we perch a can of soda on top of her head. She held the can on her head for minutes and never once shook her head or made any move to shake it off. In fact, I was able to take several pictures. Chelsea finally removed it from her head.

Let's just say that her quirkiness has burned a very special place in all our hearts. Her very best quality is how loving she is. Without invitation she will jump into any available lap, commence to purring very loudly, and make you feel like you're the most important person in the world.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: The lasagna was a hit! Greg had three large portions. Mona and I had two and I'm not sure how much Dan had, but he said he really loved it. Yeah!

UPDATE: When I told Dan about my plans to cater to his vegetarian tendencies he gave me a big thumbs down. He wants meat sauce in his lasagna, so I decided to use Pioneer Woman's lasagna recipe and cut the amount of meat in half. Dan even helped in the preparation and it appears to have turned out great, but we won't know until tonight when Greg and Mona taste it. I made sure to buy those two bottles of wine when I went to the grocery store so hopefully that will help when it comes time to review my cooking efforts.

We're having Greg and Mona over tonight for dinner and when searching for something new to cook, or more accurately something NOT Mexican to cook, I visited some of my favorite blogs. I checked out Pioneer Woman and she had a terrific lasagna recipe and I thought lasagna would be a good main dish, but when looking at her pictures of preparation of the lasagna I was struck by how much meat was in the lasagna. Now don't get me wrong, I love a meaty lasagna, but I'm not cooking just for me. Dan, who is usually a very good sport when it comes to eating meals I prepare with meat, prefers non-meat dishes, so I just couldn't subject him to that much meat. I remembered reading on Lisa Paige's blog "pampered with paige" that she and her husband Stu (who is a vegetarian) tried a crock pot vegetable lasagna and she kept raving about it. Not in just one posting but several postings. I figured that if she kept thinking about it and posting about it, it must be good. When I found her original posting of the vegetable lasagna she provided a link to a blog called A Year of CrockPotting.



It doesn't look all that appetizing, actually a little bit runny, but I think I'm going to try it. I figure I'll ply them with a few bottles of wine first so that the rather unattractive appearance won't be noticed as much. Wish me luck because the only thing I really know how to cook is Mexican, but I just can't subject them to another Mexican meal.

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On a very different subject, but clearly another example of being outside one's comfort zone, I had an encounter with a student that broke my heart yesterday. He is Japanese and he has been in our country as an exchange student for 3 years. He has a very thick Japanese accent and speaks very broken English, which means that he is EXTREMELY hard to understand. He's also a bit of an odd duck. He always arrives to class 5 minutes late. He always enters the door at the front of the class, quickly shuffling in front of me as I've already started lecture, arriving at an available desk he clumsily settles in. My typical response to this behavior pattern is to say something to the student, but there was something about this one that caused me to hesitate and say nothing. I simply put up with it, but my curiosity was peaked. I immediately found out his name and started tracking his progress. It became immediately apparent that he was doing none of the assignments and none of the quizzes and exams. I don't babysit students, so if they don't do the work I don't seek them out and act like their mother. They are adults, they can make their choices and they can deal with the consequences of their choices and I treated this student no differently.

Two weeks ago he came to my office to discuss his grade, or should I say lack of a grade. When I asked him why he hadn't done any of the work, he responded that he was afraid of the computer. All of my evaluative work is done on line, therefore one needs a good relationship with ones computer to do well in my class. I wasn't sure if I had understood him correctly and so I worked very hard to understand exactly the nature of his problem. It turns out that it is not the computer per se that is the problem, it is going on line. He has a phobia. I told him that I would need some documentation of this, which he produced the next day.

He handed me a release of confidentiality form and I immediately contacted his therapist. She told me that he has paranoid ideations associated with going on line and that he has an anxiety disorder and he is currently on medication. My initial thought was "no s**t Sherlock" as each time I met with him he would be shaking and sweating, wringing his hands, and his eyes looked like a deer in headlights. Keep in mind that we are already 3/4 of the way through the semester. The Japanese student told me that he has to pass this class or he won't be able to go home. I wasn't sure if this was for cultural reasons (the whole shame thing with that culture) or academic reasons. But I was too exhausted trying to understand him at this point, so I printed up all the quizzes he missed and all the writing assignments that he missed and sent him on his way. A week ago he showed up with 11 of the quizzes completed. I graded them and he failed every one. It was clearly apparent that he was not going to be able to get caught up and pass the class. So I contacted my chair and asked if I could withdraw him even if he didn't consent to the withdrawal. My thinking was that it would be better for him to withdraw and therefore not have his GPA affected, rather than keep him in and surely fail the class. I recieved full support from my chair and the associate dean of the department.

He showed up at my office yesterday, agitated as usual. I proceeded to gently outline his two choices, stay in the class and fail or withdraw for mental health reasons. He immediately broke down sobbing. Sobbing did not help our already difficult communication. I was able to ascertain that if he failed this class or withdrew from this class that he would be sent home to Japan and he said he could not go home because his family and friends would be so ashamed. I thought, CRAP! I am the person that stands between him staying or going. I, of course, immediately wiped this thought from my mind as I'm not the one responsible for his predicament. If he had just come to me at the beginning of the semester, I could have directed him to a class that doesn't use the internet. But what's the use of sobbing over spilt suchi? (I know this is a highly inappropriate joke, but something had to pull me out of my irrational guilt and begin working the problem). I was able to find out the name of his student advisor in the International Students office. I called James and James informed me that he has been failing classes for the past two semesters and this was his last chance. He was only taking one class and that class was mine. He knew going in that it was a do or die situation and the patient is currently flatlining. The bottom line is because he will be withdrawn or failed that he will be deported. I tried as best I could to put on my therapist hat to help him come to terms with this horrible outcome, but who knows how much help it actually was. It was the most heartbreaking situation that I've ever had to deal with and I've had to deal with some pretty hard luck and tragic student situations. I sent him to talk with James so that James could begin to help him accept the reality of the situation and I plan on following up with his therapist when I return from Thanksgiving break. It was so very sad.

Counterpoint

After the last rather negative tirade of my last posting regarding my work, I thought it would be good to provide a positive counterpoint. I was contacted a couple of weeks ago by a colleague who writes for the University Alumni newletter asking if I would be willing to be the subject of the part-time faculty highlight article. After asking her if she was out of her mind, to which she assured me that she was quite sane, I agreed to be interviewed with the caveat that she visit Starbucks prior to the interview so she could maintain a certain level of consciousness. Here is the result of the interview:

Dr. Cindy Selby, who has been a part-time member of the Psychology Department faculty since the early 1990s, is bringing innovation to the teaching of Abnormal Psychology. Beginning fall 2008 semester, Cindy began using a case study simulation approach to the course, in which students take the role of professionals who arrive at DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) diagnoses applied to hypothetical patients. Students work in teams, and in consultation with Dr. Selby, to rule out competing diagnoses. Cindy terms this a “jigsaw” approach, in which student teams must work collegially to “complete the picture.” Additionally, students discuss the best theoretical approach to explain a particular disorder, and develop a treatment plan for each case study.

Dr. Selby spent much of this summer, in conjunction with her sister who is an educational consultant, developing the new approach to the abnormal course. As Cindy explains, “this is a much more active versus passive way to engage relatively large numbers of students in their own learning.” Cindy plans to continue her case study simulation approach in the future because students’ mid-term exam performance indicates it is very successful.

Cindy earned her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology in 2003 from Saybrook Graduate School and Research Center, founded by Rollo May and Abraham Maslow. Her graduate studies focused on a humanistic curriculum, which Cindy evaluates as an “excellent experience.” Dr. Selby has taught other psychology courses in the Department including research methods and introductory psychology. Additionally, Dr. Selby has been happily married for 25 years and has two teenage children. She looks forward to continuing her teaching career in the Department of Psychology. She is committed to providing students with a meaningful and relevant curriculum. No doubt her current undergraduate students in the Abnormal Psychology course agree.

Overall, I was quite pleased with what she took away from the interview and it was nice to be acknowledged for the work that I've done. So, in spite of my frustrating experience with the group of individuals I discussed in my previous post, I am well aware that my efforts are not going unnoticed and that always feels good.

Tired of being "dissed" or "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

I'm not the type of woman who sees sexism around every corner. I'm pretty realistic when it comes to women and work. I'm well aware that the choices that I have made mean that sacrifices in the area of career must be made. I don't subscribe to the belief that women can have it all; or maybe I should say that women can have it all, but it is impossible to do it all well. There are only 24 hours in a day and to give proper time and attention to being a wife, mother, employee, and healthy human being is simply impossible. Sacrifices have to be made. So back to being realistic; because I have never been willing to be half-assed while having it all, I put my education on the back burner while I had little children. It was the best decision ever because I would never trade those early years for anything. It was simply the most precious time of my life. Once they were in school I turned my attention back to getting my graduate degrees. I took things slowly so that I was always there to take my kids to school and to pick them up after school. I had time to take them to extracurricular activities and help with homework when needed. Again, I'm so glad that I made that choice. Finally, I completed my graduate education, my kids were grown enough to enable me to work. I felt like the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. I was given the opportunity to teach at a university and I had relatively happy and well adjusted children.

With all this being said, back to the sexism comment. I realized upon returning to the classroom that I was behind those who were much younger than me and that I would never be hired for a tenure track position. I was, and am at peace with this. However, as the years have ticked by (I returned to work in 2003) I've noticed certain attitudes directed toward me that I've chalked up to the fact that I have arrived at the party a little late and I figured that with time I would earn respect based on my job performance. My job performance has been very good. I receive consistently good student evaluations as well as peer reviews. I have been approached by several faculty members on the personnel committee and have been told how much they appreciate my contribution to the department. I think I've proven myself.

Every month the Introductory Psychology instructors get together (there are usually 5-6 of us depending on the semester) to discuss textbook choice, share teaching methods, and discuss where we want to take the course. I have always taught the most sections of the class; currently I teach 4 of the 7 sections being taught each semester. In other words, I teach the bulk of the courses. I have done this for several years now, therefore you'd think that my opinion or input would be taken seriously and treated with a little respect, but you'd be wrong. The push these last few meetings is to adopt a new teaching method called inter-teaching. One of the new instructors brought this method with him from his previous university and I've got to admit that it is an excellent alternative teaching method that truly engages students in the learning process. However, it requires the instructors to grade prep guides after the first class, determine where the weak areas are and then lecture on those weak areas the next time the class meets. Here's the problem. I have over 200 students. There is no way that I can grade 200 prep guides in a 48 hour period and I was also informed at the last meeting that this teacher who is using this method has a teaching assistant who grades his prep guides for one class of 60 students. Non-tenured faculty, meaning me, do not have access to teaching assistants. Since inter-teaching is not an option for me, simply because of the number of students that I have to teach each semester I began looking for an alternative method. I spent time speaking with my sister Lynnie who is a genius when it comes to this topic and we came up with a couple viable ideas. When I presented them at the meeting I was summarily dismissed. They immediately shot down the idea and said "That will never work." They did it in such an arrogant and disrespectful fashion that I can't help but wonder why. I felt so deflated. Here I am busting my butt to try to make things better and I received only a cursory hearing of what I thought was a highly viable option. The good news is that I don't have to have their approval to move forward with my ideas. I thought it would be respectful and professional to try to collaborate on alternative teaching methods with them, but clearly I was wrong. I think what makes me different from them is that they are either married with children (their wives are stay at home moms) or single with no prospects of marriage and no children. In other words, their work is their entire focus. I, on the other hand, juggle motherhood, work, and a husband. I don't have hours to contemplate the latest research in cognitive processing. I believe the fact that I have this rich life is what makes me a good teacher. I don't believe that they respect that fact. As I stated before, I've proven myself semester after semester. My evaluations demonstrate that I deserve a seat at the table and that my ideas deserve the same serious consideration that others receive, but I don't. The only explanation that makes any sense to me is that they don't take me serious because they see me as a mom who is playing college lecturer.

They can think whatever they want because ultimately I can create an alternative method on my own, just like I did for my abnormal psychology class. My students and I will be the better for it, and they can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

It's time for a change

When things go wrong with your internet server you suddenly realize how much you take it all for granted. I turn on my computer, click a few places, and I'm able to do all manner things, the most important being my work. When suddenly and unexpectantly I turned on my computer and no longer was able to access those services. After my initial panic, I gathered myself together and started working the problem. I knew that the problem was the router, which I disconnected and head to Best Buy. I handed the broken router to the Best Buy Guy and he proceeded to turn it in all directions, carefully inspecting it with the oddest look on his face, "I hate to tell you this, but this kind of router is outdated. They don't make it anymore. You could try finding one on the internet." This is not what you want to hear when you've got over 300 papers sitting in your inbox, awaiting grading. I don't have the luxury of time to hunt for an outdated router. This meant that we would have to contact our current internet server and make arrangements for an upgrade. Last time we upgraded they charged us $150 and took their sweet time showing up to do the upgrade. Time and money were not two resources that I felt like giving to our current internet server. The Best Buy Guy then suggested that we switch to another wireless broadband company; he checked his computer and determined that we were in their service area. Off to the new internet service provider. I got an account set up, they hand me a box with a modem in it, as well as a router and it was time to hook the new system up. All of this killed an entire morning, a morning that was supposed to be dedicated to work. Before I could complete the equipment hookup it was time to go and teach a class and then pick thekids up. Once home again, I had to return to Best Buy to purchase a longer cable; then back home again to finally finish the job at about 4:30 pm. It took an entire day to restore us back to a "state of normalcy." Now all we have to do is contact the numerous businesses that require an email as a user name. Something as simple as an email address change creates a tremendous cascade of additional work. Let's hope we don't have to do this again for a very long, long time. The one good side benefit is that all those junk emails will no longer be able to find me. It feels so good to be able to start out with a clean slate. There's always a silver lining if you look hard enough.

When things go better than expected

It is so strange how one day can be so sucky and the next day can be so great. Last night was pretty bad; feeling depressed and deflated. I slowly worked myself up from the dumps, expecting the day would be just an average working day, but then it turned into something much nicer.

The kids were both in pretty good moods. No verbal challenges or sparring occurred during the drive to school. I immediately headed to work. I usually return home to eat breakfast and then do some work before leaving for my first class. I went straight to work because I am a bit behind on grading and I wanted to get caught up. I was able to tie up quite a few grading loose ends before my first class.

Today was a one of those days in the classroom where everything seemed to click. I was witty, the students seemed interested, and we parted ways smiling rather than looking relieved that class was over. I went to my office for office hours and was greeted by Margaret, a tenured faculty member, who wanted to interview me for a feature article in the upcoming newletter. I chuckled and told her she was nuts and I hoped she had some Starbuck's with her for the interview. We ended up talking for the entire 50 minutes. Who knew I had so much to say and she seemed interested. She was so kind and assured me that as long as I want a job teaching I'll have a job teaching. It was really nice to hear, particularly since she is on the personnel committee. She told me that the "word of mouth" about me is great and that I'm one of the student favorites. My ego was sufficiently stroked and I felt pretty darn good after she left. It was now time to teach three more classes. Just like the first class they all went smoothly and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and left smiling.

Time to pick the kids up from school. When I arrived Chelsea and Katelyn were there to greet me, but no Cody. I called him on his cellphone, but it went immediately to voicemail. Where could he be? This is totally out of character. I went to the office to find out if he was in detention and that was what was keeping him. It was so strange to hope that my son was in detention! But alas, he was not. I started to get worried, because school had been out for 40 minutes now. Where could he be? When I returned to the car, Chelsea was on my cell phone; it was Cody. I was so relieved that I forgot to be mad at him. He actually had a good reason for not being there. Time to go home. The ride home was fairly uneventful, which means the ride home was good. Dan came home, also in a good mood. We talked about the silver-lining of McCain not being elected. Ate a great dinner and now I'm getting caught up on email and blog reading.

I'm so grateful for days like this.

Two choices

I have had to really struggle with all the feelings that have come with a McCain defeat and an Obama win. I've made very clear in previous postings how I feel about Obama. I don't trust him. I don't believe him. I don't agree with any of his policies. I fear what his administration will do to my country. But he won. He will be the president. I don't want to turn into a bitter political participant like we saw for the last 8 years among the Bush-haters. When I think of the things that were said and done against President Bush it turns my stomach. Bush wasn't a great president, but no one deserves to be treated in such a hateful manner and those who participated in such "off the wall" behavior should be ashamed of themselves. But today I understand the deep feelings of disappointment. I understand the deep feelings of anger. I understand how easily it is to slip into becoming bitter. So I have a choice. Do I now become an Obama-hater, spewing disrespectful hate filled words at him and those who support him or do I become a pro-active person who determines how I can positiviely participate in the system to fight for what I believe is right for this country? I decided to choose the later path.

What enabled me to make this choice were two blogs. The first blog is written by a woman who is a recovering alcoholic and a McCain supporter. Her blog posting focused on what she was grateful for, one of which was the bible verse, "Let not your heart be troubled..." That calmed me considerably. The second blog is written by a former Hillary supporter who crossed party lines and voted for McCain. She is a member of PUMA and actively campaigned for McCain in several different states. Her blog posting was absolutely classy. Even though she had personally been "roughed up" by Obama supporters during the campaign, she was able to take the high road, talking about unifying as a country, focusing our disappointment in a positive direction, and holding accountable the new administration.

12 more hours to go

It is raining cats and dogs today. It's cozy inside and I've made turkey chili and cornbread muffins. The house smells great. Chelsea and I decided to watch the 3rd season of "24." We're 12 hours in and I'm ready to throw in the towel. But Chelsea insists that we're going to watch all 24 episodes before the weekend ends. Oh my! I don't know if I can do it, but it is so much fun hunkering down under cozy quilts with my daughter that I'm going to give it all I've got. I'm grateful for these fun times to make up for the trying times I wrote about in my last post. It's as if grace has touched me on my shoulder and said, "Enjoy it while you've got it." I plan to.