The Challenge of Uncertainty

I've hinted at the fact that I've been dealing with something difficult and I think it is time to come clean and let everyone know exactly what is going on. I had my yearly mammogram and received a call back for a magnification. They said there was some distortion on the original mammogram and they wanted a closer view. I wasn't particularly concerned as I've had this happen before and everything has always been fine. Well, this time I wasn't so lucky. After the magnification was taken, they ushered me into an exam room and then invited me into yet another room that had a sonogram machine sitting in the corner and a well made guerney. I was instructed to get on the guerney and informed that the doctor wanted to have a closer look with the sonogram. The lovely woman who conducted the exam took quite a while passing her "wand" repeatedly over the same spot. She finished her exam, covered me with a towel and told me that the doctor would be in shortly. I started to worry. I craned my head so that I could see what was on the screen, but it just looked like an etch-a-sketch screen turned upside down. Eventually the doctor came in the room, introduced himself (his last name started with an L) and he shook my hand. He proceeded to inform me that there is a distortion in my breast that caused him some concern and he wanted to order a needle biopsy. I was shocked, but held it together to ask the most relevant question...whatever "it" is, are we identifying it early? If it is, in fact, cancer, are we catching it early. He told me that it was very early. That anything smaller than 1 cm is considered to be early stages and mine measured 6mm. I dressed and went out to the reception area where a lovely, perky, and rather reassuring young woman scheduled me for my needle biopsy. I had to wait 8 days.

Today was my biopsy. I have to admit that the experience of waiting and living with uncertainty has been a very interesting experience. You see, I tend to be a controlling person. I like things to be in order. My mission in life is to try to control for every variable so that no matter what may come my way I will be ready to deal with it. I'm sort of like a girl scout on steriods. So, having to live with this uncertainty has been a challenge. Then to add insult to injury I received the email informing me that all lecturers were taken off the schedule. So not only do I have uncertainty regarding my health, I also have uncertainty regarding my work. Not my favorite state of being. This experience has offered me the opportunity to put into practice, what I have pondered theoretically. I believe in God. I believe that in spite of my almost obsessive need to control most things in my life, that ultimately I'm not the one in control. I've shared this belief with my friends and family. But, now I had to actually see if I could put my actions where my theoretical beliefs were. I had to trust that no matter what the outcome, that I would be alright. I had to let go and believe that God has a plan for me and the most important thing is for me to trust in that. What was amazing is that it really has worked for me. I described it to my sister like being in the middle of a tornado, however I stood in the eye, where it is very peaceful. Occasionally my thoughts would take me into the whirl of fear that comprised the tornado, but a deep breath and a reaffirmation that God is in control and that no matter what I will be able to deal with whatever the outcome may be brought me right back to center. What a gift this uncertainty has been!

I will not know the results of the biopsy until Monday, even though my doctor told me he would let me know on Friday. The odds are definitely in my favor; only 20% come back malignant. The biopsy experience was actually quite easy. I was expecting a lot more pain. The doctor allowed me to watch the entire procedure on the sonogram screen. I could see the needle injecting the numbing agent and then I could see the larger biopsy needle sucking up the questionable tissue. The people who work at the Breast Center couldn't have been nicer and I left there feeling happy. How strange! I've been instructed that I can't lift more than 5 pounds for 48 hours and I can't reach up for things, so I plan on using this to my advantage. I've already begun asking the kids to do "extra" to accommodate for my lack of mobility. See there's always a silver lining.

Tomorrow Mona and I will be taking Chelsea and her friend MacKenzie to San Francisco to see the play Wicked for Chelsea's 17th birthday. I can hardly wait. We'll take the girls to Pier 39 and have some dinner and then to Ghiaradelli's for some dessert before the 8 pm show. I'm really looking forward to spending the day with my beautiful daughter and my best friend. Life is good.